The third session with my therapist left me a bit confused at the end. But more on that later.
I was much calmer for the third session than other two sessions. The day before, I was out with a close friend and by the time we were back in my room, I was exhausted. Slept early and the next day I avoided coffee entirely before the session since caffeine gives me the jitters. I arrived at the centre on time (as usual hehe) and she came out and walked me to the therapy room which still feels excruciatingly far away. Walking together in total silence really kills me.
I felt like the session was very messy. Despite telling her the 3 things I would like to achieve from therapy before, it was as though she was unsure what to do during the session. We started off by (still) addressing the issue of my awkwardness in social situations and a few suggestions on how to deal with it. I told her that I feel like I can do more with my energy and time but my issues with social interactions have been pulling me back from doing so. She advised that we are all constantly changing and that who we were before may not be necessarily the same now. I used to be able to ‘survive’ a whole day – even a whole week- interacting with people but now it seems that I could not last longer than a week without feeling frustrated, exhausted and desperately in need of solitude. According to her, therapists see that people are generally hard on themselves and should try to be kinder instead.
She also said that I have these different experiences and knowledge now so isn’t this better than before when I was still unaware of things. She used the analogy of a new and old badminton player who are different in terms of their strength and stamina but the one who with more experience is the older player (I wonder whether I mentioned to her that I used to play badminton at National level …or did she figure it out herself?)
The topic then did a 360 degrees change when she asked me if there are some areas in my life that I still feel ‘stuck’ in. I told her about my frustrations with thesis and trying to get hold of my supervisor. The moment she asked about school, I could feel the heat on my face and I started to rant angrily about my dislike for the school and their (bullshit) system. I think she was probably surprised to see me react in that manner because for the past sessions, I had been smiling throughout and would joke sometimes. I must have sounded like a self-righteous prick for saying that the school ‘doesn’t practise what they preach’ but how could I not say that when these were from personal experiences I had.
I thought it was quite awesome of her trying to remind me of what my faith says about the time given to me right now and to use it wisely. I think I can appreciate that she tries to relate to something that I can understand close to heart.
The thing which I was surprised she didn’t ‘get’ was when I mentioned twice that therapy sessions felt as though I was having the same conversation with someone I used to be close to (let’s call her X) back in A. I was actually referring to transference because their similarities made me feel like I’m close to X and now that I might be possibly terminating therapy with her, I would like her to address this. It has only been 3 sessions but I was able to open up to her easily because of this and I think ending the session would make me miserable again.. Like when X disappeared from my life. I don’t know how else I should bring it up to her when she doesn’t get it
Before the session ended, I asked her how many more sessions do I need and she said that since I’m not a high risk individual and not suicidal, I don’t need that many. Or rather suggested that I don’t need any more. She gave me the impression that I don’t need further therapy and to let her know what I would like to discuss for the next session. I was quite surprised because like I mentioned, I did tell her what I wanted to work on. When I told N, a clinical psychologist too, she was flabbergasted by her response and said that I don’t need to be depressed/suicidal to attend therapy. Even Dr Brene Brown had a therapist. I realised that my therapist had been mentioning since the first session that ‘I’m not high risk so it’s fine..’ and when I described the reason why I am seeking therapy, she was like ‘that’s it?’.. Lol. And suddenly I felt embarrassed like as though I’m seeking help for minor issues.
So now I’m confused if I should see her again. N suggested to give her another chance and see her the last time to maybe clear some things up. I agree as well because I don’t want to leave some things hanging. Besides, as much as I don’t like people walking out on me, I wouldn’t do that on her. At least, I should clear some things up with her specifically that my choice for entering therapy is for personal development and to work on clearing some baggages that I have been carrying since childhood. Both of us know that I will only have a few therapy sessions because my stay in M is coming to an end soon. As much as therapy had been useful for me in that she gave me different perspectives to things, there are still some questions that I have which were unanswered.
I’m still in a dilemma on whether I should go although I have listed out the reasons why I should. There is still one month till I have to head back to M so there’s still time to decide. My heart leans towards having a final session but the previous session left me confused if I should.