Almost a week has passed since the horrid incident. Things have cooled down now and back to normal. I still can’t let go about what my mom said wishing that I’d die when I’m driving in M. I feel like I’m putting on a mask just to be happy but the anger still remains inside. I’ll most likely see my therapist in 2 weeks and that feels like ages to come
In the meantime, I just need to remind myself to talk to God. To keep my faith strong and have a stronger connection with Him. I think I tend to forget that as much as therapy has been helpful, I’m forgetting that having faith is also equally important. Having that strong spiritual connection has made me see a different perspectives to things.
After that incident, I felt like it was important to talk about this to someone. In Brene Brown’s book, she mentioned that “..when something shaming happens and we keep it locked up, it festers and grows. It consumes us..”. And she also said that “..we need to share our experience“. I’ve decided that instead of keeping silent like I would before, I shared this with three close friends whom I know would understand and empathise with me. True enough, that feeling of just being able to share with someone is simply liberating. I used to be clueless about what to do when something like this happens because I didn’t know who would be interested to listen to my difficult experience. I didn’t need someone to tell me ‘be patient’ nor do I want to be told that I shouldn’t talk like that about my mother.
I think what is important right now is that people I’m close to are aware of my situation and that should I feel like doing something terribly stupid, I could call them up and they would convince me otherwise. If my mom were to say those things (i.e. that I would die in a car crash) whilst I was driving in M, I think that might affect me so much that I would drive recklessly hoping to die. Previously she had said that she wished I’d die getting hit by a car and when I was out that day, I actually didn’t care if there were cars on the road when I was crossing. I think in the heat of moment, I might do something I’ll regret later so it’s comforting to have someone I could call to talk me out of it.
I’m going to do more of this – talking about shaming experiences with people I can trust. When you keep painful things inside, eventually one day you’ll explode. It’s unhealthy when we choose to not talk about. I really hope that I can work through my unresolved anger issues with my therapist because the fear of losing control is very real for me. I’m afraid of what I could do if I lose control.