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FINALLY..

After waiting for 2 weeks, I managed to get another therapist. I called the school therapist and still no response from them. I called back the same place I see my ex-therapist and there were no response until today.

And because I felt desperate, I decided to call my aunty to ask for recommendations on possible psychologists I can see since she is an established psychologist here. I was worried that she will keep asking me to share my problems with her or that she would inform my parents about my plans to see a psychologist. She was at home with probably my cousin at the time when I called her so she kept saying that it was awkward to discuss over the phone and told me to see her at her office to talk.

It turns out that the 3 hrs I spent with her was mostly chatting about other things and then took 10 mins to discuss the real reason I was there to see her. Lol! I’ve always looked up to her but spending that quality time together has increased my respect for her. I realised how much in common we have – from our involvement in refugees to our love for travelling and history. When we bumped into people she knew, she would proudly introduce me to them. She didn’t even ask what exactly I was going through which made me choose to see a psychologist in the first place. It was like an unspoken agreement that this is between me and my therapist and she was just there if I needed anything.

She hugged me goodbye after that as she had to leave for her appointments. As I walked out of the campus, I bumped into my ex-psych. She was across the street and I couldn’t believe how I was able to recognise her from afar. It was like I looked up, saw her and immediately started waving hello to her. She stopped in her tracks because it looked as though I was going over to talk to her. But then I realised that shit, I don’t know what to say to her so I turned around and walked away quickly. It was definitely an awkward moment but I am glad that I got to see her one more time. I am also glad that I did not reply harshly to her emails because when things just don’t work out, why shouldn’t it be amicable between us? My bestie was mad when she found out about the sudden termination and wanted me to tell her good riddance. It is times like this when I bump into her, I wouldn’t need to run away from her just because I have said some mean things before.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she bumped into my aunty at the lobby. My aunty doesn’t know that she’s my ex-psych and I wonder if she actually said anything to her. Ahh, such a small world.

I feel so much better that I am away from home..That feeling when you can just remove your mask and be yourself is very liberating. This is why I feel that if we continuously put up a façade, any negative unexpressed emotions will come to a breaking point when it is accumulated for a long time. I find that when I’m sad, I let it sit with me for awhile instead of avoiding those emotions. Which is why last week I broke down for no reason because I have kept it all pent up inside for a long time. Today my friend told me that I look so much happier than when she saw me before. There was a change in behaviour and attitude when I finally let myself be.

The problem with a lot of us these days is that we avoid negative emotions because pain is something our society try to avoid as much as possible. So we choose to medicate and keep ourselves busy so that the truth of their lives won’t catch up to us. But just wait and see how things will start to snowball out of control over time. It’s dangerous like that. When you are true to yourself, you are true to your emotions and accept that some things will not always be pleasant but you are willing to work towards it.

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