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I had the 4th session but with a new therapist today. As compared to the previous one, I find that she is more focused and structured in therapy. We didn’t jump from one topic to another which most of the time, forgetting the reason why I was there. But then again, this time round I came in with a specific objective in mind and she was able to work with me on it. Before, I guess my objectives for therapy were hazy so she probably needed more sessions before she can plan out the therapy.

I can’t believe that I broke down in front of this new therapist. It used to be very difficult to even open up about my problems to anyone but to cry in front of a complete stranger? I think I felt safe with her and also because I’m running out of time, I needed to be honest with her on what I was thinking and feeling lately. I’m glad she didn’t pressure me to seek therapy in my home country because I’m getting frustrated that they don’t understand the difficult situation I’m in. All she said was, “lets not think about how many sessions you need but what each session can do for you“. That was what I needed to hear.

With my mom’s recent lashing, I researched on what kind of disorder she has because it has been going on for years. I found out that she fits the Narcissistic Mother (NM) description to a T. For NMs to make such a remark about wishing death upon the children is actually..quite normal. I told my therapist that 2 years ago, I was so affected by her words of me being dead that I left the house that day putting my life at risk. My mom has said “when you go out today, I hope you get into an accident” (when said in my language, it actually sounds more crude). I was so upset that after having frequent lashings from her, I decided I was going to put my life in danger. Since she wants me dead so much, I’ll do her a favour and get into an accident. Nothing serious happened to me.. but I think about how my impulsiveness could have resulted my life.

So now my T wants me to make a list of things that is within my reach if I intend to attempt something like that.

  1. Acknowledge that your feelings are valid
  2. Take a deep breath and try to calm yourself down
  3. Call someone to talk about it.. especially when you are NOT in a safe place (or feeling suicidal).
  4. Get out of the house if you need to calm yourself down. Take yourself out of the situation which will put you/someone else in danger.

Make sure you have someone you trust and who understands your situation to talk you out of it. I have my list here:

  1. Call my bestie
  2. Call/email my therapist
  3. Call the Befrienders hotline (depending on where you are)

Ok, well I did tell her that I have not thought things through yet so my list is not complete. My brain has been clouded lately. I also need to do some research on what I should do when I’m feeling anxious and practise those steps.

The recent lashings triggered old memories of what it used to feel like living under a lot of stress and tension. Usually around 8-9am, my heart starts to palpitate because I have woken up in shock a couple of times before when my mom  would barge in my room shouting at me that I’m not helping her in the kitchen (The night before when I asked if she needed help, she said there’s nothing much to do). I told my therapist that strangely enough, even though I am away from home, it took me a week before the anxiety got better. I didn’t understand why I was feeling anxious at such an odd time but when I think back, it was because of waking up in shock that happened frequently and most of the time, rather unexpectedly.

My mom has not gone into full-scale crazy yet but I have already seen 70% of her old self emerging. And it scares me that after 8 years of living independently, I would be going back to that state of constant worry and fear that she would lash out at me. My dad told me, “just do whatever she wants and if she gets angry, ignore her.” It’s so easy for him to say that when she does not hurl insults, abuses and hurtful words at him! Worst of all, he was chuckling when he said it. I have a good mind to say “Do you think it’s funny? It is because of her that I’m living like this. Some days I can’t cope with it and have attempted to do something stupid.”. I wonder how my dad would react to that. I’m sure he would be shocked to hear that I’m seeing a therapist for this!