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After that heavy session with my therapist, I wanted to reach out to my older sister. I know that if I have to return home for good, I would need to get some support from family. If not my dad, at least from her.

Turns out, she gave me horrifying details about her childhood. My sister is 8 years older than me so I was unaware about what her childhood was like. She told me that my mom has tried to kill her a couple of times when she was young. She had knife placed at her throat just because she didn’t eat her vegetables. And that she was beaten so badly for getting less than 91 marks, that she was not able to hear for a couple of weeks. My mom only stopped the beating because my dad intervened. I feel so disgusted to hear that phrase “If we didn’t hit you, you wouldn’t be this smart” coming up in the conversation sometimes.. like as though physical abuse actually makes someone smarter? It makes your child hate you even more.  If my dad worked late, my sister would keep crying because she felt like my mom would eventually kill her when he is not around. Like me, my sister wanted to run away from home in her teenage years (I wanted to run away when I was in primary school).. and like me, she wished that she was dead too.

I cried when I was chatting with my sis. I didn’t know she suffered so much then and I am glad that she got away as soon as she got married. Now that she is living away from home with her husband and kids, she can start to rebuild her life again. She may not have the childhood that she wanted but at least she can give it to her kids.

Question is… why the FUCK does anyone has kids if they end up wanting to kill/torture them? Whyy?! Why can’t they just kill themselves and NOT reproduce? That would make the world a much better place wouldn’t it?

Now it feels as though the target is back to me. Ever since I’ve been back, she has been messaging me daily about whether I have gotten hold of my supervisor.. which to me, is freaking fucking annoying because I already feel pressured to complete my paper soon so what else can I do when my fucked up supervisor is taking his own sweet time? When I spoke about how I was heading out to a shopping mall to get some fresh air, she would ignore it entirely. To some extent, I think she is envious of my life right now because she used to have friends to go out with for lunch dates but now she doesn’t have anyone to go out. So, since misery loves company.. it seems like she isn’t too happy when I talk about me going out with friends.

Right now, I don’t think I can be honest with her. All she will get right now is half truths because when I tell her honestly who I’m going out/where/what we’re doing, she gets verbally abusive for no fucking reason. She doesn’t deserve my honesty AT ALL.

Told my therapist that right now, my worry is what I’d do when I’m about to explode. I feel like I’m at my breaking point and if this shit starts again, all hell might break loose. That scares me a lot because it is not worth risking my future for this. I hope therapy gives me a different perspective on how to deal with my mom. I need it FAST and pretty SOON too!

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