The sixth session with my therapist was interesting and informative.
I came in the session still feeling anxious and I told her that I always get these ‘mini heart attacks’ each time I walk into the building. She said okay, lets talk about it. What was going through my mind that made me anxious? I told her that it could be because of therapy. I want to go through with therapy but it’s probably because I feel uncomfortable knowing that we might delve deep into my childhood. That’s something I have been avoiding before and from the first day of therapy. I think it’s a combination of shame of talking about it and fearing that it will be too much for me to handle.
Now I am also thinking – the staircase could also be the trigger. The lights at the staircase are dim and it reminded me of my old house which brought back bad memories. My nightmares are usually connected to the old house. There was a lot of tension in that house and we could feel such negativity energy in it. I think if she were to raise the question of ‘what happened at the staircase?’, I might breakdown because of painful memories relating to witnessing abuse there.
We started the question discussing about how was my week been back home especially with my mom. I told her that it was surprisingly normal because my mom had been supportive of my decisions for that week I was back. I could meet my friends and she didn’t say much of it..and I had an interview for an Investment banking internship in D, and she was encouraging for me to take it up if I was offered a position. Her fluctuating mood and behaviour is really confusing because then, when can I let my guards down around her?
We discussed about my negative thought process when dealing with her. She made a list of hurtful things my mom said to me, my thoughts and feelings at that time and eventually how I reacted to it. There was also another column about what I did to eventually calm myself. We discussed the list and I told her that as compared to before, I am not as affected when she attacks me personally or insults my friends because I know my worth and I know who my friends are. I told her that right now, I am aware of negative thoughts so I write in my journal to remind myself when that happens. Hence, my posts titled ‘thoughts’. She asked if she could read my journal and I gave it to her. I said that I write in abstract (I’m inspired by Jeff Brown’s writings) so that my mom wouldn’t understand especially if she goes through it. But one thing which I still cannot figure out is when my mom starts wishing death on me, I feel very affected. I don’t understand why I can push away the other two things (personally attacking my character and my friends) but I struggle mostly with my mom cursing me. Any ideas?
I realised last night that although I am aware of negative thoughts, I still struggle when it comes to forming close relationships. If someone comes close to me, I tend to run away and hide. Partly because I don’t trust people to let them into my life. I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable in front of most people because I worry if they’ll hurt me and leave eventually.
The remaining session was giving me homework on negative thought process. And last part of session was like a book sharing session lol. My T is currently reading “Will I ever be good enough” by Dr Karyl McBride and she suggested I read it too. I told her, I know about the book but if it comes through the mail, what would my mom say if she sees it? Lol. Can you imagine if she sees the title, she’ll say to me, what the hell are you reading that for? I suggested that she reads Dr Brene Brown’s books because not only is it useful for bestie who use it in therapy with her patients, but it’s useful for me, as a client too going through therapy. Haha, I hope she reads it. And I hope if Dr Brene Brown reads this, she’ll ask us out for lunch someday hahaha and we can discuss more about her book. *squeals*.. I’m too hopeful I know lol.
So right now, I have homework to do.. and I shouldn’t procrastinate anymore lol.