I feel like I have not written in awhile. Things have been pretty normal since I last blogged but knowing how unpredictable my mom is, it would change in an instant. And it sure did as I have already predicted.
We were talking about shopping in the city and one thing led to another. She wanted me to accompany her shopping which I said okay but suggested we go another time because with christmas and new year coming up, the crowd will be overwhelming for both of us. She said, lets go today! And I immediately said I don’t think so because firstly, it was about to rain and that it’s a SATURDAY – worst time to be heading to the city for just window shopping (which to me, is a bloody waste of time). Like usual, she started to throw her tantrum – slammed doors and started cursing under her breath about how if my friend X wanted to go out, I would follow her. I said to her, you are angry at me over this? I just don’t get why the FUCK does she always mention X each time she can’t get her way? What the fuck did X do to her to get this kind of mention?
I have accompanied her shopping before (against my will!) and she has even blamed me for being the cause for her knees hurting because I made her walk a lot. So you see, I can never please her. If I don’t accompany her shopping, she starts behaving like a child who didn’t get her lollipop. If I do, I might get blamed for something. Both ways, I lose.
Thank God though that this time round, she doesn’t start with her verbal tirade. To some extent, I worry that I might lose control if she keeps going on and on. I can only describe my rage as this: a green hulk waiting to tear from underneath my skin and destroy everything in my path. I feel like if I don’t hurt someone, I might throw things at people.. maybe break everything in the house.
I have a few more sessions with my therapist and I wonder if we have enough time to address my anger and how to keep it under control. So far, I have not done something stupid yet but I wouldn’t want to even get to that point. It’s a horrifying thought that one..