I am starting to feel that being at home isn’t so bad after all. Well, it isn’t bad because my NM has been amazingly supportive and her mood is relatively stable since I came back. No dramas, no sudden outbursts, no rages. In fact, when I told her that I might cancel dinner plans with my friends (because she would be left home alone since my dad works late) to accompany her, I was surprised that she encouraged me to go ahead with it. This behaviour is something I have not seen for the past ..8 months? For now, I’m thanking God for it. Bask in the moment.. till she starts again. Or hopefully, she doesn’t at all.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, there was a sudden change in her attitude. It seemed as though she began to appreciate life and treated people around her better (us family mainly). I was guilty for being secretly happy for the cancer – not because I feel she deserved it – but that a health crisis was what it needed for NM to realise that life is too short to treat people badly. And then I wished that the cancer would go away so that she wouldn’t suffer. I don’t believe in wishing badly on others ..or that karma will bite his/her ass to feel the pain they have inflicted on them. My wish is that: 1) they realise their wrongdoings 2) Make amends
I guess people won’t change overnight and my NM surely won’t either. As I mentioned in previous posts is important that we are aware of how we react when NM goes into a rage, treats us badly, says hurtful things.. how do we stop ourselves from internalising the projections by NX. I can’t say that I have mastered handling my NM but at least, I have been aware of my thoughts and behaviour when NM starts to go into a rage mode. And that is important especially if you get anxiety attacks each time that happens.