I’ve been feeling that burden on my chest lately and I know the only way to get it off is to actually talk about it.
I told bestie that if there’s a label for my sexuality, I don’t know what it would be. I don’t identify as a bisexual because physically I’m not attracted to females. But I find that I am attracted to people’s personalities and characters regardless of the gender. And most of the time, they are females. That’s the part I am most confused because I have such intense feelings towards them and then start to question myself what does this person really mean to me. I become insanely jealous when I see her with someone else especially if she is hanging out or spending time with them. If she (this person in A) were to tell me to get a PR and live with her, I would have done so without thinking twice. Instead, she told me to follow my dreams and come back once I’m done.
I would have done but over the years she has chosen to not keep in contact with me. In fact, she disappeared from my radar. All of a sudden, I’m no longer in her contact list for those she is close to. She took a long time to reply my messages and when she did, it sounded as though she was obliged to reply. I hated it. I hated how I would keep refreshing the facebook page just to check if she replied. I spent 3 weeks waiting and when her message came in, it was written half heartedly. I decided that since this was going to be the response, then I didn’t want to drive myself crazy waiting and wondering when she will be replying. Or what she was doing.
Well it broke my heart that she chose not to reciprocate. I spent about 3 months crying and the next couple of months reminiscing about my time with her, with anyone who was willing to listen. Some nights I would wake up thinking I was in her room, only to find myself back at home. That was enough to make me break down.
I have gotten over her after 3 years.. and it was one of the toughest thing I had to deal with. I could get through some days without her on my mind. But most days, I imagined having conversations with her like we always would. Our conversations were usually light hearted because she said her work revolves around sadness and pain so it was what she needed at the end of the day. Other times, we would talk about something so deep and profound that it would move me. Note this, I am stubborn. For her to able to plant these seeds of change inside me, it has to be someone special.
See the thing is, I loved her very much. I would have done anything for her – moved across continent, packed my things and leave my family behind. If there’s a line between friends and more than friends, she would be on that line. I wouldn’t cross the line because I wasn’t seeking for any physical intimacy with her. But I wanted the emotional connection and intimacy which I crave for so badly. I felt like a knife was stuck in my rib cage because the throbbing pain wouldn’t go away. Sometimes my heart would beat so fast that I had to sit down from feeling faint. It’s a painful experience to sit through over someone who did not reciprocate back the feelings I had for her.
I said it to Bestie. And she said, she was not surprised at all that I am feeling confused. It was something she suspected all along but was waiting for me to open up. I just feel that penning these thoughts down actually clears my head too.
I will write more of this in the next few posts.