5 months ago, I decided to see a therapist because of some underlying issues that I was facing (of which I came in to talk about anxiety attacks instead). I had been isolating myself inside my room for days then.. and would only leave the room to get food, go to the toilet etc. The real reason is because I felt like no one could accept the real me if they knew who I really am. I portray to the world a pious person and it was reflected in my speech and clothing mostly. But little do people know that I was struggling with attractions to my friend then. I was confused with my feelings and why I felt so intensely towards her. How do you reconcile the religious facade and at the same time contradicting my values for having those thoughts and feelings? I don’t believe anyone can because for myself, I hold strongly to my beliefs but my needs say otherwise.
Turns out, my therapist left and then my mom started her drama after a year long of ..no dramas. I was not able to even bid my old therapist farewell for her kindness. I had strong transference with her in just a couple of sessions because she reminded me of another person I had intense feelings for back in A. My objectives for therapy then changed immediately to focus mostly on the toxic relationship I have with my mother.
The work done with my current therapist is mostly on how I can learn to live authentically even around my mother. I’ve had anger issues which I never addressed till then. Therapy with the current therapist really felt like how it should feel like in therapy because there is no transference so far, and that I never had someone who was able to sit with me whilst I grieved. I’m used to holding back tears and biting my lips just to put up a brave front to everyone. Yet, inside I was slowly crumbling. Being able to just be brutally honest with someone who has shown a lot of empathy, support and given me the space to air my anger, annoyances, destructive thoughts.. is not what I expected to find in therapy. That is something I treasure greatly because I have yet to find a friend (except the one in A) who could do that.
If there’s one thing I miss tremendously, would definitely be going to therapy. I grew up not being able to express how I felt and therapy is like a relief to my soul when I could say whatever I felt and not feel afraid of being judged. I told my therapist that I am grateful that she has made the environment safe and non-judgmental. No raised eyebrows, or “How could you say that?” expression on the face. Thank you my dear therapist. We have a weird relationship because I don’t know who she is and yet I was more open to her than I am with my bestie of 20 over years. Going for therapy gives me the jitters no matter how many sessions I’ve gone and yet I always find myself back on her couch. That 1 hr sessions have a greater impact on me than turning to some friends to ask for advice when I was in need of one. How powerful!
I still have a lot of work to do and I know the reality is that, I need to find another therapist back home even though I really hate having to go through that jitters on the first day of session. I am not financially stable yet so I’ll most likely wait for a year before I actually find one. One of the best experiences I had to be honest!