A dreadful day for those who have conflicting feelings about their own mother.

It has been about 2.5 months ever since I came back home and so far, it has been surprisingly manageable. Thank God seriously.. And my worst fears were that because I work long hours during the week, I am expected to be at home during weekends.. or that she will still try to control me even when I’m working. But really surprised to see how supportive my mom had been all these time ever since I’m back.

So today’s mother’s day and like every mother’s day, I get annoyed by the sheer volume of posts on facebook about how great motherhood is and that ultimately we as children, should sacrifice everything for her in return. Whilst I do not deny the sacrifice, I feel a bit reluctant to actually express it. A year ago when I thought that she changed after being diagnosed with cancer, I wrote her a postcard to say that she is a wonderful mom and I thanked her for everything. She appreciated it and hung it on our fridge. Till now, I cannot bear to even look at what I wrote because it sounded hypocritical. I was sincere back then when I wrote it but I don’t feel the same way now.

And then.. those conflicting emotions start to kick in. How could I be so ungrateful? How could I not appreciate the things she has done for me? Am I being over dramatic about my past? Was it that bad? ..and these questions have been going to and fro lately.

Why is it so hard to understand how I feel about my mom? I cannot put a name to what I feel seriously. I don’t hate her.. well, therapy did a great job in reducing my anger. But I don’t know what to feel about her. Or if I’m behaving authentically in my relationship with her.

In any case, mother’s day relives a little bit of my past which I tried to avoid by filling my time with things. I’m happy for those who have solid relationships with their mom but it’s almost as though people forget that not everyone has that same type of relationship when they post excessively on social media. Mother’s day is a confusing day for me..

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