Summary of my therapy session #11:
- Told my T that I finally got a job and that my brother wanted to rub it in my face that I was jobless. I said that although I kept myself busy during the time I was not working, I still had that nagging feeling of being unemployed.. to some extent helpless. She said that perhaps me feeling trapped at home could be the reason why I felt that way. I said thank God for the job and also that my brother has gone back to another country so I wouldn’t have to deal BOTH him and my mother at home
- I noticed that there is a toxic dynamic between my brother and mother. It used to be that when my mother says/does something bad towards me, my brother will follow suit, mimicking her insults and put downs at me. And when it is my brother cruelly making fun at me, I would of course be unhappy and instead of him getting into trouble, my mother would get mad at me for my ‘sulky face’. I get told to lighten up because he was ‘just joking’.. Seriously? Joking my ass.
- I mentioned about getting the job and my mother was excitedly telling my sister about my brother instead. I said that it was good that he got the internship but why can’t the focus is on me for that day. Why steal my thunder? She asked: How does that make you feel? I replied, jealous of course. He has ONE testimonial which he wrote himself and yet my mom parades it around like he won first prize. I don’t believe that my testimonialS were even read through and shown to other people.
- I told her that I will see a therapist in home country if after assessing my situation at home with her, after I start working, and she starts with her tantrum. She was worried that when I start working and spend less time at home, my mother might start with her ways. That’s when I need to see someone to make sure that my sanity is still intact. I also said that I have a contingency fund already in mind which I might activate when things go bad. She said, what does the plan looks like. I said that I will want to change my name and disappear for good but it’s not fair for my father and sister because they have been kind to me. I said that I feel like I am a runner – because I run away from situations (and possibly future relationships). She said that it’s ok to get away from a bad situation especially if you fear you might hurt someone. I added that I still worry that I lose control of my anger and I might end up hurting someone.
- Lying has become second nature to me and this actually goes against my values. On one hand I want to be very honest but then being honest means the consequences are great. I said that sometimes I amaze myself because the lies seem to come easily for me. I have been quite creative in my lies so far and that I feel perhaps I should write a book. She said, well since speaking the truth results in consequences, then I am actually fulfilling both our needs. My needs to do what I need to do, and for my mother too.
- Asking for help: Duration, intensity and time. It might have to do with my self worth when I don’t want to ask for help. What do I think of when I ask for help? That I’m a burden.. and where does it stem from? I said, do you think I should always blame my childhood? She said, how I was brought up, my worldview and my view of relationships with others is due to what I was exposed to so yes, it does reflect how I think and act now.
- With regards to asking for help, I need to consider how everyone is different in wanting to help. For some, they are willing to help all the time but others might not feel the same way. I said that asking for help is synonymous to being weak and that is why sometimes I find it difficult to ask for help. She said that yes, asking for help can be seen as being weak because it means we are unable to do something but I need to consider the three things (Duration, intensity and time). Duration: How long will this help be for? Intensity: How easy/difficult is the help? Time: When do you need help? There is nothing wrong in asking for help especially if I need it.
- I told her that I might see another therapist back home but I really dislike changing therapist. It’s so difficult trying to get used to another therapist AGAIN, having to trust someone .. I think it took me a few sessions before I could open up to her but even so, there are certain things which I don’t think I can talk about to her yet.